Fear as a Teacher

As parents, we naturally want to protect our kids from pain, fear and sadness as much as possible. But, constantly intervening to take away every problem, fear or hurt, no matter how well-meaning, does more harm than good. When children are properly guided and supported, to face fears and overcome obstacles, it can build self-awareness, self-confidence and resiliency.

When my daughter was 6, my mother in law signed her up for swim lessons at a local YMCA. She loved the water, but was so terrified of that huge pool, especially the deep end. She would only stay in the shallow end where she could stand up and would not venture into the deeper end with the other kids unless she clung like a tiny lemur to the back of the swim instructor. This continued for several class sessions.

My  tendency was to either pull her from the class, or ask the instructor to just slow down a bit and not push her.  However, the educator in me knew that if my daughter did not over come her fears-(like me)-she would be afraid of the water and miss out on so many fun activities and outings. I did not want to take away this teaching moment from her.

So we talked about what she was afraid of . She was afraid of going under the water and not being able to get back up to the top.   I told her the story of how I learned to swim and told her that I was afraid too  but once I did it one time, I wasn’t afraid any more. (I didn’t tell her that I STILL am leery of water over  my head. You could say that I’m  a bad mother for lying to her, but I don’t want to project my own fears onto her experiences.)

I told her that her swim teacher was a very good teacher, and that she needed to listen to the steps the teacher was telling her. I told her that she was safe and that she could do it, even if she felt afraid. I told her that sometimes when we are afraid, if we just focus on each of the steps, we can do our best anyway and the fear goes away. We practiced the steps in the living room, and in the tub so she could remember them.

She still was not so sure of this. In spite of encouragement from the whole family, she continued to cling on the back of the instructor for several more classes. We decided to just let it go and let her finish out her sessions without prompting her any more.

Then, during the next to last class, she swam.

In an instant, the impulse came over her to spring away from her perch on the teacher’s back, and she swam to the side of the pool. Her face was radiant! “Did you see me mommy? I did it! Watch!” and she did it again and again, swimming close to the side, and going a little further each time, building her confidence as she went. As I watched her I could feel her excitement.

Now, at 13, I can’t get her OUT of the water. She is like a mermaid. When she is swimming, is when she is having the most fun. Had I intervened in the wrong way when she was little, fed into her fear, removed her from the class, or asked the teacher to back off, she may have just held on to her fear instead of overcoming it in her own time. Instead, she has found an activity that she loves so much and benefits from in so many ways.

Now, when she tells me she is afraid to try something, we verbally walk through it to find out why. We have found that most times, the fear is more a matter of confidence than actual skill. This has become a useful tool for her as she takes on more, and bigger, challenges.

The best teaching moments are the ones that you allow kids to discover for themselves.

Food for Thought:

How do you project your own fears onto your children (or students)? What are some ways you can avoid doing that in the future?

What methods do you use to help your students overcome their fears, whether it be of getting hurt or of failing?

Feel free to leave your thoughts and insights below.